"You're a highwire walker, you can't be afraid of heights!"
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No!
I am not afraid of heights. Do they make me nervous? Yes, they can do. It is a normal self-preservation reaction of the body to be scared of something that could potentially cause you harm. If I wasn't nervous then I would be doing reckless things all the time. My nerves ensure that I take it seriously each and every time I step out onto the wire.
I have also noticed that my nerves depend on other circumstances in my day to day life. Things like my level of stress, how tired I am, if I'm hungry and my period all affect how confident I feel on the wire. I also hate missing a show so I have performed whilst being ill with a fever and these shows are some of the worst in regards to my nerves, as without my full strength I lack the confidence I need to perform at my best.
If I was afraid of heights I wouldn't choose to be a highwire walker. Yes I get nervous, but that just means I am alive. I love the beauty of walking on a thin piece of metal wire high in the air. I love the reactions on peoples' faces when they see me do the "impossible". I love feeling the thrill and excitement whilst doing something so controlled and graceful. I have loved it since I was seven years old, watching from the sidelines as famous wire walkers delighted the crowds.
I remember thinking how amazing they all were, and wondering if I will ever be in their shoes. Sometimes I have to pinch myself now to remind me of the fact that I am in their shoes now, I'm doing the job that I always dreamed of. You see when you are a young child you just see the magic of it, it looks effortless, you don't realise how much worry, stress and pain you have to go through.
Some days up there are so difficult to the point that I'm having an actual battle within my own head. If I'm tired or stressed, I struggle to keep negative thoughts at bay. I will be walking the wire and imagining falling and hurting myself, it is absolutely awful. It is so draining to fight my thoughts, as I keep on trying to insert logic at every turn. I fight with myself to ensure that I properly complete every trick but often my brain keeps coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn't complete the trick... the light is in my eye...the wire is too loose... the wire is damp... it is too hot. I get to the end of the act and I come off stage absolutely hating myself, feeling worthless, because I know I didn't perform my best.
But other days, I feel so confident, I go through my routine and I feel intoxicated from the thrill of it. When I am performing well I absolutely love the applause, because it's only then that I feel I am deserving of it. If I feel good about myself, no little inconvenience bothers me, the wire can be loose or damp, the air can be hot or cold...nothing stops me.
I suppose the question I ask myself is, is it worth the stress? Does the good outweigh the bad? The answer is yes. I like the fact that I am able to overcome my struggles no matter how hard they are, it gives me a sense of achievement to climb over every little hurdle. I don't like giving up. If I set out to do something I don't want to stop at the halfway point, I want to achieve my goals.
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